So, I am all messed up today I guess. This day was one of the most stressful days in the last few weeks. When I went to see Amanda, I was not able to really think straight. And I am starting to build up these thoughts. I want to think that I am traumatized. I start believing that I am not aware of something from my past. I mean, that maybe something must have happened to me at some point in my life, that I have tried to forget or repress. But at the same time I think, that I just try to construct something in order to have something or eventually someone to blame. I mean, I remember that I always wished I was already 18 and able to leave home. I remember how I always wished I was adopted. But I am not. I remember all these stupid thoughts…. and also…
What, if this whole Bulimia was a Choice? My choice?
Wasn’t it me who decided one day to throw up? Wasn’t it the same me who then sticked to it?
What if I have just been stupid like that?
Ha, Amanda banned that word today. She said I was not allowed to use it anymore beyond the point I enter her office… And she also said something like Bulimics were smart or bright, well, I know differently, and maybe it is just that she has to say it, that it is a kind of therapeutic tool. I need to research that.
But I remember that when I was younger and read about Anorexia in youth mag’s, they said, that anorexics were determined, smart, with a strong will, perfectionists and all that. All because they reached the goal of losing weight. So I eventually interpreted bulimia as the opposite. And although I would not identify myself as sick, I would identify myself as bulimic and thus minor, and especially stupid, simply because I never lost weight, never achieved my goals and in addition I was not even consciously aware of what i was really doing to myself.
And if even a bulimic doesn’t get it… how will someone else.
I feel like I need to write a book about it, but at the same time I guess, I feel like no one will read it, for there are too many on it already. No one is interested in more stuff like that.
But, I have been writing…
I started an email to my mom. I am not sure if I will really send it, but there is still a chance I could hit the “send” button on accident when I am drunk. Since I still can’t let go of alcohol. Drank a bottle of wine tonight… purged it, too. Feel awful.
Life is not good at the moment.
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